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Care and Feeding of the Overdue Suicide, or: A Recipe for Fortified GOatmeal
leashed un 2021-01-14

Preamble; for, in the course of culinary events...

Although I'd originally entertained, for approximately half the blink of both eyes, together, a notion of addressing an audience by name -- failing that, at least by shape of worldline, lest someone who may matter more than she thinks feel left out of the finest frequencies of blinks -- I must trust my instinct, metaphysical, that although she ain't quite yet in the Echo File, it'll rhyme its way around her, no matter what reason may say... some sunny day.

Yes, it's a recipe, dedicated to nobody in particular, with the hope that the shocking revelations of "How The Other Half Lives" will be eclipsed by the... far from juicy, for their consistency is closer to unbaked cookie dough than instant soup prepared according to the blessed recipes -- tidbits herein; and if you're wondering, that's "GOatmeal" with a capital O and a capital G and that stands for "GOD-AWFUL GOOP" and it tastes real cool, despite being served significantly above the ambient thermal isoflux!

Ingredients [at least, what mine were]

1 cup, water, boiled
1 bag, breadcrumbs, expired
1 bag, instant lentil soup mix
1 box, health nut cookies, empty
1 kilo oats, rolled, within reason
1 pile eggshells, rinsed and dried

Naturally, there is much hidden flexibility in the ingredients; for example, if your supermarket shelves only contain instant pea soup, instead of lentil, that is a permissible substitution; however, one should not be so foolish as to make the coarse error of substituting dried chicken soup, nor even the various vegan replacements, for these will invariably contain far more lipids than fibres.

Nor is the specific brand of health nut cookies important, although they should ideally have been of the dry and crumbly variety, forbidden as snacks to small children not for fear of allergens, but because they are frequent weapons for involuntary men's laughter and women's panic about whether the Heimlich grip is above or below the diaphragm's midpoint, and how do you locate that muscle under pressure anyway, without exerting enough pressure to puncture a lung, break a rib, and get charged with involuntary manslaughter? Fear not! At the very worst, you'll be the Best Samaritan in the penitentiary. I hear they get as popular as middle-school math teachers, occasionally more, once the kids are a bit older.

The breadcrumbs do not have to be expired, although mine were; fortunately, from long enough before Anno Coronaviridae to absolve that from any blame by my gut.

Naturally, the dimensionless constant 'kilo', in the amount of oats, refers to the approximate number of the rolled units, although if you feel like making a kilogram of porridge and seasoning it with a spot of instant soup: don't be my guest, and never invite me into your kitchen, either! Who eats that crap? Yuck!

The water must be boiled only after all ingredients but the shells are mixed, thoroughly, in the empty cookie box, so as to simultaneously absorb any cookie crumbs into the goop, thus cleaning the cookie box, and absorb all remaining undigested gasses from the crumbs into the intangible essence of the goop. In case you are unaware, the calories of any cookies, regardless of health label, are contained solely within the small-whole-number fractions of the serving size, and thus no calories are added to your dish in this key mixing stage; however, any and all allergens are readily and entirely perfused into the festive kitchen atmosphere, where they may have maximal effect. If you disbelieve in the power of allergens, consult a homeopathic doctor; ... and if cookies don't give you gas: are you even human, Friend?

Similar to how the most important stage of cooking pasta is that consisting of the few seconds when the individual pastons splash into the roiling boil, this recipe's key stage is the one where the water is poured into the dry goop. Note that I have left unspecified whether to reuse the cookie box as the final dish, or prepare it in the cup of boiling water, although if your water is chilling, boiled, in a mug, and you're wondering where to put the boiled water while first placing the dry goops in the dessicated mug... Lascere ogni speranza, kid! Go, read about XOR Swaps, start your bright career in software development. Cooking is simply too tedious and menial a task for brilliant minds such as yours!

If you are more preoccupied with the importance of the ordering, and wonder whether this mad scientist wants you to pour water into acid because the acid's always in the last place you expect, worry not: the considerations here are much less explosive, being merely those required for producing a smooth homogenous goop out of the woefully unpredictable process wherein boiling water meets and gives new life to those exciting ingredients known as instant soup and oats... Isn't chemistry fun!? Furthermore, it is of paramount importance that the boiled water is poured rapidly into the goop, while performing the process that starts as gentle agitation yet inevitably turns to frustrated mashing, for both the previous purpose, and the most important one: this recipe conserves heat, and you must consume the mixed tepid filth before it has reached ambient temperature, lest your palate feel its raw tastelessness unshielded.

Postscript... now, how about them eggshells?

The eggshells are of crucial importance, and must be kept within sight of your third eye throughout the entire process, where they serve as a reservoir for your third kidney to recharge your depleted supplies of calcium and other nice ions. If you are vegan, don't care about the environment, or both, and thus do not have a heap of cleaned, dried, and preferably uncrushed eggshells within spitting distance of your kitchen... ask your heathen friends how their calcium footprints are looking, after so many years; they might just shit you an ingot!

Face-Free Recognizer[blee Human; Edges Sharp!]
leashed un 2021-01-03 morning birdsong

It's not much; definitely not enough for an effort at reconstructing the truth, however alleged you may allege mine be, nor should I give details sufficient to place the geography, leaving instead only cues for those who recognize, and voynichal salad for those who don't.

;;;;;
title: Greenshifted Spake From The Head,
        or: How I Learned To Worry STOP
tags: school, people, truth, geography, prose
date: 2020-11-02
;;;;;

   This one's dedicated  to the school-girl-city
who reminded me, during an expected interdiction
of my  restless pacing  through the  both sleepy
and  ambullomutationally hollow  suburb, at  the
north of its tidal  sewage, open to the freshest
swills  of  the   Ostajhian  Puddle,  where  the
innocent and guilty frolick alike through desert
dunes, paved and tarred lanes, and under rooftop
weather vanes,  that although dogs go,  and cats
me-ouch, too,  and snails  die under  John's Old
Brown Shoe, one must never forget that goats can
eat, bleat, climb, rhyme, and have an all-around
jolly good time.

   Although I must acknowledge honorable mention
to  those   who  have  encouraged   me,  through
ridicule,  anger,  incredulous faith,  and  most
importantly, dance-free safe,  that although the
most  important techologies  are  those that  no
sane green  man, while he patrols  the Corridors
of  Time,  should  expect to  find  absent  when
falling through a one-way floor, there are a few
that work no more.

   Instead  of  pretending   to  understand  the
broken  symmetries  of   the  vector  guage,  as
normalized   relative   to   few-dozen-component
Johnson  noise across  a hand's  span of  mostly
empty  printed circuit  boards,  I  will tell  a
story that never happened,  about a soldier that
my brother quite  possibly personally instructed
in  every important  skill of  the variety  that
keeps certain  cases alive, certain  cases dead,
and avoids shooting uncertain dire wolves in the
head;   and   for  the   unavoidably   pervasive
imposition that words  describe actions, instead
of  merely patterning  the  shape  of the  world
across flat  space, and mapping  the projections
sattallittic onto oblate  spheroids without ever
considering  whether  the Integral  Trees  could
consider the  unidirectionality of  time's arrow
as  mathematical certainty,  I will  continue my
avoidance of  scalable vector  graphics, bitmaps
both compressed  and chromatically  reduced, and
include    a   small    amount   of    paragraph
justification  for  purposes   of  allowing  the
prosecutors  a  sideband,   through  which  they
invariably accuse  me of wasting fuel  for music
school; and I reserve in the hearts and minds of
the architects untimed one special place for the
invariable  case, computationally  equivalent to
the Axiom  of Choice, wherein the  world's shape
is described in  softly spoken direction cosines
and aggressively murdered men.
Centripetal Portal Evacuation Protocol
leashed un 2019-05-29T09:15

I can't quite recall how I ended up there; although the immediate surroundings were unrecognizable, their nature hinted at an unforgettable compound where the scarcity of water paled in comparison to that of shade. I scrambled partway up a slope of loose earth, pausing to squat by a cement cube crumbling to expose iron loops rusted far past their original usefulness. My rest was soon interrupted by a procession of cadets, clothed in nondescript uniforms and carrying all manner of equipment: rifles, ammunition, stretchers, tents, people.

After they had assembled into formation, a uniformed officer's familiar face materialized at my side.

"How did you get here?", asked his puzzled look of recognition, as though eight years had meant nothing and I belonged with the others. Recalling where I'd seen him last, I answered: "After giving up on the military career quest, I am currently in the academic career quest, although about to give up on that one too, and am wandering alone at the edges of Known Space in search of a tangible goal. What about you? You, too, are almost where I left you, but not quiet."

He smiled, the same smile polite to the point of bashfulness that had earned him so much scorn from the cadets, as though he wanted to grin yet was afraid the aerosol of flies, mosquitos, and desert dust would fill his mouth should it ever open without a simultaneous exhalation, and the dreamtime vacuum energy filled my mind with his hypothetical predicament:

"When you met me, I prepared artillery men for officer training. Now, I prepare officers for artillery training. I do not know whether I entered this revolving door forwards or backwards, but it spins too fast for me to leave."

As I wonder how I would navigate out of his boots, I find them gone, replaced by my own bare feet, gathering dust at the gateless gate of Abulafia's missing art; there is a war in heaven, yes, although the angels and demons are all our own.

Whatcha Writin' In Ma Vein For?
leashed un 2019-05-26T18:22

If you'll excuse the puns, plagiarism, and General Irreverence, I'd like to begin by retelling an anecdote from George Carlin's assortment of memoirs, opinions, and other various demented ramblings, Napalm and Silly Putty. At one point, as the poor ol' fuck is reading something other than that morning's paper while eating something likely no other than bacon and overeasy, the gal asks, as she pauses to make sure that his coffee cup runneth ever brimming: "Whatcha reading for?"

Spoilers of that specific conversation are available at your friendly neighborhood hexodrome, since I have paused here to install quite a different aeromodulator on the proverbial hood.


  HER: What are you writing?

    [ ADLAI meets HER gaze, barely suppressing an eyeroll ]

  HER: What are you looking at me like that for?

  ADLAI: Nothing, just  wondering what to call  this.  I'm writing
  nonsense, mostly, although after I've written enough nonsense, I
  eat  it,  toast  your  health,  roast  the  remains,  grind  the
  sun-dried cat-cut crap, and see whether the pressure cooker will
  distill anything worth bothering a publisher about.

  HER: Oh, cool! You're writing a book!

  ADLAI: I wish  they'd stop calling it that, but  you may call it
  so.

  HER: What's your book about?

  ADLAI: I'm writing about you!

  HER: How dare you presume to  write an entire book about someone
  you've  only just  met, and  of all  possible circumstances,  in
  these?

  ADLAI: Please take only the  just and judicious level of offense
  at my upcoming response... it's  quite simple: I can write about
  you, because you don't actually exist.

  HER: Of course I exist!

    [ HER coffee  pot tilts slightly and  stops suddenly, spraying
          tepid filth all over ADLAI, his papers, and all else ]

  ADLAI: Clever girl.  You just proved that your  work exists; you
  proved that your  customer exists; and you proved  that his work
  is all but bunk; yet you have yet to prove your own existence.

  HER: Well,  lemme tell you this:  I read part of  what's already
  soaking  into the  blanker half  of  your book,  while you  were
  pissing.  I recognize myself in  your memories. Isn't that proof
  that I exist?

  ADLAI: Ahhh,  now that  is a good  question!  I  should probably
  stop  writing about  you,  and resume  writing my  dissertation,
  although  the absence  of a  thesis precludes  such presumptuous
  bloviation.  Incidentally, does  this  fine establishment  stock
  hwiskye?
Grand Theft, AKA: South Beach
leashed un 2019-05-18T19:37

Long enough ago that I've forgotten the club's name, although it had a wonderful view of the sou'eastern coast from the open rooftop, a bunch of would-be nouveau riche, along with a healthy helping of working men, working women, and the unavoidable innocent bystanders all converged for a nighttime beach bash. One fellow, local to the bone (I could tell by his accent, so I'll spare you the racial profiling), interrupted my conversation:

"Coat?"

His attention seemed more focused on the next mark than on me, so I paused only momentarily to ascertain my own next target.

"Coat?"

He'd taken at least a step and a half before turning half-a-round, glancing back to meet my level stare: "Coat?"

I smiled at him and shook my head quietly.

"What'd that guy want?" asked the guy awaiting the resumption of whatever bull session the businessman had interrupted; and again, I had to re-rail the thought-train after the guages hot-swapped underfoot, yet re-rail it did, and answered his question:

"I didn't quite verify, but I'm quite certain he wanted to take my coke."

Spaniards At An Inquisition
leashed un 2019-05-16T0200

Karl, Max, and... well, Ludwig (for lack of a better blamehole) walk out of the pub, because two have a beef and the third sold books on who'll win it. There's cold rain pooled in the alleyway's cracked pavement, flowing softly towards the gutter as the warm rain overflows the bounds, ripple by reflected ripple, but the clamouring boots make quick work of those cesspools, forming a ring around our three champions.

After a brief verbal dispute regarding directions perpendicular to the compass rose, as pertains to belts, and the sportsmanship of a flail improvised from a belt terminated by an oversized buckle, the clamour calls for a less partial referee, so Mycroft fishes out a brace of shattered glasses, a well-rotten dishrag, and an intact bottle of 202-proof rum, for use as emergency disinfectant.

Details of the fight are available upon request from eyewitnesses, although allegedly the subsequent claimants of stubs from the well-made books were glad to demonstrate exactly what happened; all I know is that once the salted plasma flowed so freely that none present could distinguish one pavestone from the next, Mycroft took aside the winner.

"See that river, into which yon gutter drains?"

The winner nods.

"Here's your Planck, and I never want to see you on this side of it ever again."

On The Objective Indestructability Of Documentation
leashed un 2019-05-04 2019
  `` Рукописи не горят. ,,
    - Михаиле Булгакове

Before the lies begin, I'd like to anchor this speculation partway through a conversation that actually did occur, somewhere near the Euclidean midpoint between the cafeteria of the modern languages building and the best vantage point on campus, although you'd have to use a proprietarily-weighted geometry for the mean calculation to land in the talking-aloud part of the relevant library, rather than the graveyard floors; and the talking indeed was allowed, and loud, and lewd, but the rudest dude was in too good a mood to tell the future doctors to act their age, so she and I spoke as soft as we could, short of actually whispering, while that orgy of sophomoric ineptitude raged in the rest of the room.

"You should've left a notebook", she scolded. "If you'd left a notebook at this desk, like I left one at mine, then nobody would've taken your seat."

I shrugged away the matter, for the setting sun's image, crawling up the opposed wall, bathed in its soft glow the gradually emptying room, and there was now no shortage of computers. I sat where I had before, and loaded a questionably-obtained digital reproduction of the documentation in question.

Seeing where my attention went, she asked: "You're studying from the book instead of the class materials?"

I nodded, launching into an endless paean to the greatness of the book, rapidly terminated thanks to her impatient impoliteness, likely diagnosable as attention deficit disorder by the moronic future-professionals who so recently had rendered the room entirely unfit for studying.

"Have you ever seen her book?"

Instead of asking whether she meant the author's personal copy, or some library's well-worn copy, filled with the hints and tears of past generations, I shook my head; words were rapidly becoming quite an expensive commodity to spend, as I had entered the lexical storm of an organic chemistry textbook's contents table, and needed every drop of dopamine on task.

"If it's such a good book, and you like it so much, why don't you buy it?"

At which point, I must've made some joke about how I'd rather buy her, even though she hadn't read a single page of that book, than a book that is too heavy for her to survive having dropped on her head; although I doubt I'd have survived getting the pavement dropped on my head from the height of that room; although not claiming to have said that means that the only lie in this post is the fact that it is tagged as such.

In closing, I'll elide the book's title, as there are half a dozen different works with the same name in just the first page of search results, although I will mention that the author came to be known as "Bruice Almighty".

With Kind Regards To Future Students Of The Distant Past
leashed un 2019-04-23 0648

As you may be aware, efforts are underway to revisit, comprehend, and ultimately digitize the unpublished research notes logged by the pseudonym allegedly signed as Borodin, no mean feat given the centurial culture barriers blasted apart by the brave volunteers. Although Alexander Shulgin may have cast open landscapes innumerable of both the imaginary manifestations of reality, and the physical attainment of hitherto mere amorphisms, he also found himself at the precipice of a language chasm deep yet narrow: for example, had he needed to verify that his friends and relations could recognize lexicographic racemization in eightth-bit-cleaned compilations of IUPAC nomenclatures - or worse yet, disclaim their own proficiencies in one or another of such disassembly exercises - he may have never encountered the question of how exactly "2CB" decompiles as "brominated two-carbon notafueladditive"... if you're still reading, there's a chance that you remember what I have forgot.

In the hope of finding common understanding, recognizing the preexisting conceptual landscape, and not getting too worked up about whether discussion of how many concepts this list contains is conversation or syllogism, I'll elaborate upon last semester's practical work, starting with my quick rephrasing of instructor comments regarding an educational recreation of four experiments performed just over one hundred years ago, all of which exhibited at the time of their publication an unexpected degree of discontinuity, despite the prevailing theories regarding the nature of the underlying continua:

nb: comments  and grades for either  student could
apply to the other,  since they worked together on
all  parts of  these experiments,  interpretation,
and presentation

in the first week, you arrived prepared,
with questions about  the apparati. your
elucidations of  the prevailing theories
improved markedly in the second week.

in computing the  statistical expectation values,
you performed several  computations yet presented
the  results of  only one.  merely listing  which
source measurements caused statistical failure is
unacceptable,  without   discussion  of  possible
reasons  for  each measurement's  exclusion,  and
your grade  was reduced for this  reason, and for
omitting an additional procedure made possible by
the   preassembled   wiring   of   the   provided
electromotive forcing apparatus and documented in
the reference notes.

your presentation of  the results suffered as
a consequence  of disclosing  choices leading
to the samples  ultimately correlated against
the  prevailing  theory, a  disclosure  which
reduced  the  time available  for  discussing
alternative wirings.

your reference  notebooks are  incomplete: roughly
half  consisted of  rephrasings of  the prevailing
theory, and you could have saved ink by specifying
one  of  the  previously   published  works  as  a
reference standard; and you  failed to detail your
rationale  for  choices  made  during  experiment,
computation, and debriefing.

Since my final grade in that semester was lower than that given by this instructor, above the minimal level considered passing although regrettably closer to that than the perfect score, and quite satisfactory given my policies for allocating study time and mental effort for schoolwork, I consider that to have been a good learning experience.

Incidentally, the numbers relevant for rendering the previous reflection against the one percent decimal background across half a year of an arbitrary sparse set of the distinguished portion of a fourfold metric are: '#(63 89 76 87 30 84)

Reconstructing the machine that produced such a trace is neither trivial nor ...

... and in case you were wondering, the four experiments are all spanned by attempts to measure Ohmic impedance of fluids (e.g. Helium, Hydrargyrum) dilute well past chemical inertness, and modulation of such measurements by the nature of the irradiation upon the circuit component emitting the lepton.

Matrix Density Caveats
leashed un 2019-04-18 04:45

Sometime in the hours after that last incident, I found myself balancing the perfectly reasonable yet mutually exclusive demands upon my time and location from people who do exist, although have never met each other outside of this particular hell. For reasons likely influenced by current events, my conversations with them collided at an overgrown cathedral rudely interrupting an otherwise perfectly serviceable maze of urban alleyways, which had turned my would-be escape route into a surprise pilgrimage.

I juggled excuses at the first two pursuers, although one would require an actual conversation rather than just a quick response, and such commons is no place for conversation. We arranged to meet at one of the nearby gardens to talk things over, and I realized that I'd taken off my shoes upon entering the holy ground. While putting them back on, the third pursuer appeared above me, inquiring about my conversations with the other two:

"Have you always been bilingual?"

I answered in the affirmative, and he followed up with a question that was regrettably lost during the subsequent confusion, although my answer survived:

"Thinking in two parallel languages is a blessing turned curseful by the overlap of their phonemomes, an interference quite unfortunate."

I was awake and typing by the time the response to that thought had crystallized, wondering how much credit I could consciously claim for ideas that my unconscious mind had presented as those of another: if two languages have no overlap whatsoever, are they truly distinct?

Just After The Escape From Eskimotion
leashed un 2019-04-18 02:35

The beaded raindrops, quivering as they waited their turn to slide earthwards, diffracted the outer confusion past the point of senselessness from my dry vantage point within the car, yet eventually I discerned a woman's face in profile at the driver's window, facing forwards as she spoke to another person just outside my mind. Try as I could to focus on her words, they remained unknown, although an urgency rising from within compelled me to brave the elements and crack the window. To my surprise, human confusion drowned out the weather, as the second woman snapped into focus facing directly at me.

"Finally you're responsive. Do you have any idea how long we've been here?"

I glance at the passenger side, where my wake of consciousness already blends seamlessly into the nighttime traffic. The car is empty, other than myself, and the moments of my confusion cost me another beat of conversation.

"Still no answer. We've been tapping on this side for longer than I care."

The two women, almost indistinguishable: blue uniforms, precise hue undiscernable through the airborne damp and urban darkness, black hair flowing to blend with the shoulder-clipped radio mouthpiece and hip-holstered pistols, obscuring their nametags on the way down. The one previously in profile has now turned to face me directly, and the focus left by the retreating glass blurs the other into the wake sweeping around to meet its counterpart at their aphelion.

"... I was talking to someone at the other window. You know, something about you reminds me of him, beyond the fact that you're all cops, although you do all dress the same. If you know who I'm talking about, he'll confirm this fact."

Now it was her turn to pause in confusion, puzzling through my answer: I'd answered neither her question, which I hadn't heard, nor the one I had, although my manner suggested that my words bore relevance to the situation.

"Sir, please explain to us what you're doing here. Traffic has reached a complete standstill for reasons unknown, and our colleagues are still failing to establish rapport with operators of other vehicles. How did you reach this part of the city, and why?"

Had I a quick ready answer to toss her way, I'd have given it without the second thought that warned of an innumerable multitude of questions surging beneath the invisible surfaces of aquatic equipotential realigning themselves to the changes in my cabin's airflow. Wary enough of her tired temper and scant patience for slow talk to overcome my regret that such action would certainly lead to the dissolution the passengers who had filled the car only moments ago into the partially unsortable blood-red-shifting context, I bought myself some time by revealing the topic fluttering out of existence as my wakefront converged:

"Have either of you ever heard of a closed timelike curve?"

Cutters at a Deposition
leashed un 2019-03-07T319

Sherlock Holmes and Professor Moriarty walk into a bar; not at the same time, of course, and most likely through different doors, on different days of weeks occasionally synchronized and often wholly missing, until after a decade of such temporal anisotropy, they wind up sitting as near as politely possible: as philosophers dine, they've left an empty stool betwixt for the Lady, and scattered charms to ward off bad tramps and divert the ones in need of redirection.

Since it's been centuries since The Fall, cancellation, reboot, shoot, toot, and least importantly, endless academic deconstructivism of the theological substrate radiation and reflexive mechanical reassembly of leftover operators, they end up discussing that long-lost mutual friend, that lalalamamafaka: General Relativity.

Sherlock does do his best, but Moriarty is asking the questions this time. Soon enough, Mycroft finishes pouring a trivially hypergeometric shuralgebraic or two, slaps'em down on the bar without a drop spilled, not before instinctively ensuring that its level plane is locally flat, soft yet insufficiently malleable to serve as an example of ductility, brittle yet not enough to crack under the stress and strain of tension and solvation, and most importantly, roughened imperceptibly to their fingertips by abrasion against shattered glass and feathering tools.

Silence reigns. You can hear every conversation, for a distemporal ephemerality.

Mycroft scatters compasses of all parities, arbitrarily parting the arrangement with an unwieldy doubly straightedged knife upon which are engraved the words:

TERMINVS EST
Competitive Snorodynamics
leashed un 2019-01-19 1403

"WE EVEN HAVE EARMUFFS, IF ANY OF YOU WANT A COUPLE."

Fine, the rest of this story will not contain shouted words, although the use of CamelCase at the start of sentences may be preserved; anyway, it pertains to a multiple-choice exam sat by the author recently, where the primary hindrance presented to the students consisted of FAA-compliant noise. Noting that nobody needed even a single muff, the proctor glanced at my choice of seating.

"You're left-handed?"

I nod, scattering allergens to assure the poison sniffers that the correct ghola had showed up for the Mentat Bowl, and prudently leave my cheating machines concealed yet readily accessible. Another proctor kindly wished me good luck, although the whorls of spacetime conspired me to think of the all-too-recent practice wherein children were forced to conform to seating limitations regardless of neurology. Ah well, we all bleed our age one way or another.

"Good luck!" said just about everyone, whether aloud, to themselves, or just to pretend they hadn't run out of mere politeness (quite the scarce resource).

Eventually, I notice a unital (as opposed to unitary, i.e. dimensional) discrepancy. These buggers are pernicious, especially when the exam purports to pertain to the physical sciences, but in truth does not contain a single SI-qualified value, opting instead for alphabet soup interspersed with "happy particles". I flag down a passing professor.

"You have a question for this one?", he mimes, doubtlessly thinking of the overworked teaching assistant.

"YES, YOU SILLY GOOSE, WHO ELSE?" I shout at nobody in particular, while nodding silently to respect the silence theater quivering at the brink of metastability. He walks over, punts my question at the nearest underspecified constant, and wanders off to give polite hints to less helpful questioners.

I guess it's time for me to eat more rotting fructose, since competitive thermodynamics is an awfully energy-consuming game: time is in finite supply, proportioned according to the Cayley-Hamilton nulleph (if you've got that sphere mapped; if you don't, please do: see Poincare's cut if you've already passed Dedekind). I don't blame that professor for my inevitable failure at this exam, as he'd actually given quite a helpful hint: he could tell I was asking for him to make a public clarification regarding a sloppily-worded question, the correct answer to which was painfully obvious, so he instead reminded me that the Grand Canon controlls how many ells deep drinks the spider.

Teacup - empty; birdseed - messy; orange - too flagrant a juicy snack, and there's still half the alloted time left! What could I possibly do now, other than start to actually work out the silly little calculus exercises? Maybe asking the proctors to unplug the noisy desktop computer fanning itself for no apparent reason, or at the very least tell us which prion it was busy refolding for the good of humanity, although somehow I suspect the answer to that would've been closer to:

Hush, little baby; don't say a word!
... never mind that noise you heard.
It's just the wormholes in your ear,
crawling thru that strength we fear.

At which point, the student to my right gets up, hands in his papers, and moves to leave.

"No! Stay!" quoth an audience member, who had elected to sit the exam undercover, out of true respect for the process.

"Sorry, honey, I've got a plane..." he replies, politely ignoring her "Can't it wait?" as he glides out, better than the most professional of bettors.

At least the desktop had decided to continue cooking its motherboard in silence by the time our friendly noisemaker began running his own fans overhead.

"Three Hues Collide", and a Mellow OOPS
leashed un 2019-01-18 0400

Lying along the shoals of inattentiveness, listening to each phonon (yes, I know how to use that word uncorrectly, too;) surf along the pitch black glideway, way below, I realize I've begun overhearing yet another conversation that never happened.

TRIGGER WARNING: IF YOU KNOW ME FROM SCHOOL, YOU MIGHT KNOW THESE PEOPLE TOO; ONLY THE WORDS, LEXEMES, AND CORRELATES HAVE BEEN CHANGED, TO PROTECT THE PRIVACY OF THE UNNOTICED AND THE SANCTITUDE OF YOUR MIND.

Three doctors - of philosophy, naturally - are quibbling over which rights to violate when administering the exam, in the hope that one will be sufficiently distrauchted by some best jest that a quick bid for the silverware could be made.

Quoth the theoretician: "First of all, the exam must be as fair as possible; all students who are required to pass the exam, must have an uncorrelated likelihood of passing the exam, and any students who wish to pass the exam, must have an uncorrelated likelihood of passing the exam, and any correlations arising unintentionally must be uncorrelated with each other correlate, in so far as --"

He's been interrupted by now: "That's a load of nonsense. You've written the exam by now, so why don't you tell us what's unfair about it? Noone will be judging you. Why don't you... do it in the code?"

Before he can deliver the correct, coherent, counterpoint, the third one suggests: "Any unfairness unavoidable in the exam should be biased in favor of those students who have attended lectures, in some power per portion of time wasted together."

"WHAT!?" is the inevitable reply, so he continues, explaining exactly what he means: "The exam is unfair, and always will be, so I'd rather at least encourage us to all waste our time together. I don't want academics to devolve into each student spending a semester in a silent sterile cube with a pay-per-view port to some quintessence datahose and a shelf full of dead-tree graffiti painstakingly curated by some long-dead Adlai."

Silence. You could hear a pin drop, land right-way up, and blow up the tire of the next hrududu blundering down the street (and what a fine alarm clock that'd be!).

"Did you just use a student's name as an expletive?", asked the practician of theoretical jurisprudence.

"Yes, because we all know exactly what I meant by that; if you have a problem with what I said, say whatever you want instead, but let me finish my gottanjecture."

Shock and Awww
leashed un 2018-12-19 01:52:35
   Laughter and tears are both responses to
   frustration  and  exhaustion.  I  myself
   prefer  to laugh,  since  there is  less
   cleaning up to do afterward.
                            - Kilgore Trout

I've led a rather blessed life, so far: I've never had to perform acts of mortal violence against people, nor have I witnessed the salty splashed remains of such action. Ironically enough, those who profess a desire to save lives and heal, are more likely to end up playing the roadside autopsy game, where harm done is measured as correctness of identification rather than reduction of inflammation. But I digress, and nobody cares much about my military service; after all, as I told my lab partner just before the last sunset: "All I ever really did myself was tell other people what to do."

Some people I've known personally over the years are dead by now, as often happens to people after you know them long enough. What's less common, although does occur once you know enough people of the various kinds, is that they die by their own hand. Three times in my life have I encountered the news that yet another doctorate in practical existentialism has been granted, and coincidentally enough, none of these volunteers for an early afterlife deigned to leave behind their dissertation. I don't blame them; after all, annealing such thoughts into human language is messy enough work without the added challenge of not being around to edit the result.

On the one hand, I've already mentioned elsewhere the second instance, and I'm loathe to elaborate upon it, for a variety of reasons. The only one which matters in this case is that that story forms a brief chapter in my long-forgotten upcoming memoir. On the other hand, the third instance is simultaneously too personal, and too impersonal, and too soon, and - although that friend's memorial service just the other day triggered the thought-helix leading to this post - no, I'm not telling that story yet, either. The first instance really shouldn't count, although black humor can be found even in such sanguine remains, so I'll give it a shot - just like the instantiator himself!

One guy who went through basic training together with me was quite the basket case: the kind of dork who literally hits himself after realizing how stupid he's been, without even any bully around to mockingly tell him to stop hitting himself. This poor shmuck had glasses thicker than his own skull, and his skull was quite thick, because he spent most of basic hitting himself, because this poor shmuck just couldn't get anything right. He was the kind of kid who couldn't get through the morning routine without getting toothpaste in the barrel, gun oil on his pants, and boot black on his face. Soldiers are rarely nice people - the average platoon could make a kindergarden playground look like a safer space than the campus of Snowflake University - and we soon had a nickname for this shmuck: we called him Shock.

Shock must've had a good heart, because he volunteered for medic training. Not only did he surprise us all by actually surviving medic training (they do some rather gruesome hazing, if the stories are to be believed, but those are not mine to tell), he also volunteered for the most thankless assignment: yep, Shock went back to that part of the desert where men are turned back into boys again, where the worst of humanity is strained out and molded into rank and file: Shock went to minister to the next crop of drafted children. One day I hear the following brief tale:

"Hey, remember Shock who went to become a medic? We need to find him a new name. One of the kids there shot himself in the shower. Poor old Shock found the remains, and now he's no longer in shock!"

The Name Of The Coin
leashed un 2018-11-03 10:04:36

PLEASE DO NOT READ PAST THIS POINT IF YOU ARE A JUNGIAN, FREUDIAN, ANALLYSTERANT, OR ANY OTHER SORT OF TWO-BIT CROCK-SHIT WITCH DOCTOR.

Naturally, I was in some rather open campus environment: too many people to know many personally, let alone recognize faces at a glance. Sure, sometimes someones seemed familiar, but life's a bitch, innit? Until I recognized... her.

One of the few truths I'll ever label a lie is that in this dream, her identity caused a stale stack resurrection (or perhaps a register collision, if you swing that kind of metaphor) with someone I've not met in a long time; last we spoke, she likely got justly insulted by some connotation of exactly what I said to her about a guy she fucked.

(at this point, the lies resume)

We made eye contact, and I'm quite sure she recognized me back. Maybe she winked, or smiled, or let her eyes linger; but she was in a flock, and such flocks flow. I saw her again a few times in a similar manner and concluded that there must be some performance of a visiting dance troupe, because I remembered her as a skilled dancer from a young age. Maybe I could verify that conclusion, and thus actually talk with her, rather than just smiling at eachother across the void?

Needless to say, such dreams do not collaborate with that other kind of dream. My quest led me to a room full of unrecognizable acquaintances who just got visited by a jolly fat holy man of stereotyped ethnicity. I could tell he was holy because he dressed like a hobo, yet wore an immaculate turban, and because he was there to sell drugs. Naturally, I asked him whether he accepted the only kind of coins I had kicking around as unallocated spending cash, to which he laughed and twinkled out of the story.

No worries! Salesmen don't travel in vain, and the buncha fukken junkies now gladly split the purchased wares among themselves (and everybody got two share). Perennial outgroup member that I am, I wondered aloud as to the kind of flower they had bought, and whether any one of them felt like reselling. Before I even repeated the name of the coin, I realized that it would be in vain: they ignored me in favor of their greedy delight at crumbling that golden brown between their fingers.

My momentary disappointment didn't quite hit rock bottom, though: although I prefer vaporizing active essentials from Cannabis blossoms purchased uncut, the remembrance of hashish's complementary advantage of greater edibility reassured me... as I awoke to the sound of a pigeon alighting at my windowsill.

How Not To Run A Museum
leashed un 2018-11-03 07:12:45

TRIGGER WARNING: Vital escense is not absorbed by the kidneys!

Hokay, so: there's the sun, which is active matter of one sort.

There are planets, or overgrown, well-behaved comets, or aggregated, annealed, aquatic asteroids, or whatever you call the rocks. You can kick them quite hard, cut your teeth on them, eat them, smash them at eachother to make more or less of them, but as far as I can tell, they're the kind of stuff the turtles swim above.

On the better-civilized parts of some rocks, are a bunch of... museums. I use that word in the Wolfeian sense, and expect audience familiarity with everything I can recall during the acts of creation, editing, auditing, and reliving, so a "museum" is not quite what you'd expect. Perhaps you know me better than I do myself, and you could define the concept more accurately than my feeble effort, so I'll let you do that yourself as an audience exercise.

One of my earliest memories involves a dispute about who'd visit which parts of a museum, under what conditions (note the omission of unpriced admission). When museums grow large enough, these disputes can heat so vigorously as to cut costs on central heating, and soon enough the tearily nostalgic demand for a thermostat gives way to the much more interesting challenge of climate maintenance. Control, as you may be aware, is naught but the name of a button or two on various antiques littering this museum; maintenance, whether by hand, foot, or nail, is a fucking career.

The incorrect way to express displeasure about museum administration is by amateurly executing the chief executive amateur.

RIP Yitzhak Rabin (b: 1 March 1922; d: 4 November 1995; c: trauma, kidney failure, life)


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