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Lessons From A Grand Parent
leashed un 2018-09-29 06:26:07

TRIPLET WARNING: The following content consists entirely of a single three-item ordered list. If you are contextually biased to skepticism towards three-item lists, please await the publication of the five-, seven-, and eleven-item Deluxe Editions before inquiring at your local wholesaler.

1. In The Beginning...

One of the earliest memories of my maternal grandmother involves advice
to her youngest grandson, at the time, who has having difficulty
concealing the fact that he didn't much enjoy not wearing diapers
anymore. If I recall correctly, although memories from such a past life
are notoriously unreliable, I had just been scolded for sulking about
for hours, accumulating unspeakable stockpiles of kidney stone
nucleation loci, not to mention stool samples that could give IKEA a run
for their fiat any season of the year.

"Just let it out, kid! Learn from your elders."

Well, she was a little more polite than that, but please indulge me and
use your God-given imagination like it was meant to me used. Curious
little cunt that I was at that age, I must've asked her what harm could
possibly come to me from putting off work that would eventually do
itself; and I rightfully expected her to have a good answer to this,
seeing as she was living off a pension from the service half of the
medical industry's frontest of offices.

"If you let that all bottle up inside you, circulatory kinematics will
hinder the flow of nutrients to your heart... and if that's a number two
you're holding in, you might be able to keep those cooking for days on
end, but sooner or later your stomach will hurt like shit."

3. ... and at the end.

One of my last memories of her places her in the geriatrium where she
spent some of the last weeks of her life. I'm quite sure she remembered
my visits and me, not to mention the familial parade that kept me
sitting around long past when she seemed to have forgotten them moments
later. She'd had physiological difficulties aplenty for decades and
survived them better than the best, but at this one moment she gave a
particular impression of not doing so for much longer (at least, not
unassisted). I could've sworn I heard my brother whisper to our father,
"I think she's dying", but he swore later that he thought she just
wanted to go to sleep already.

I'm not quite so politically motivated an editorializing recontextualist
as to suggest that my grandmother (who lived out her post-holocaust
adult life as the positive counterpart to Kesey's Ratched) taught me
that life is only sacred so long as it kicks to keep kicking, but at the
very least I learned to appreciate sensory precision.

2. Oh and that one time?

... when she interrupted my procrastination of yet another kind of work
that doth itself do. I must've been in those formative years better
known as the "almost preteen", and had school that morning (it was
tomorrow by then, although nobody had yet told the Sun). My main fear
was that she'd scold me for dicking about instead of sleeping, and my
excuses had indeed all been used up the day before when she'd seen me
finish my homework quite early.

In case your mind teetered on the brink of some proverbial gutter: at
that age, my idea of dicking about at that hour consisted of wondering
just why it was that the Microsoft stack deigned it so unnecessary to
respect login sessions when the computer was more or less prevented from
talking to its peers. This fledgling detective work was hampered by the
innumerable moralizations (many of them self-contradictory when followed
far enough) stemming from what I'd seen on the cover of a magazine
intended more for moms than dads:

            "SHOULD YOU SPY ON  YOUR    KIDS?"

Forgive me for posting this riddle's answer in such close proximity, but
in case you needed any help: not unless you enjoy heart attacks and
sleep paralysis so much that you'd like to have a new hell tailor-made
where you can experience both at once!

If your imagination isn't yet working at this point, insert Tab A into
slot B and press Back to continue.

My fears were unfounded: she was thrilled to see that her grandson was
not only playing around, but playing with office machinery that could
simulate quantum annealing of racial genetics faster than the ethics
ministry could convince me that a holocaust joke isn't quite
appropriate, not to mention wholly anachronistic because Hitler's Venus
Project would've needed at least five of those to takeoff real
quick. Her fears were probably more along the lines of me redecorating
the apartment with the use of excrement and matches, and evidently she
got the impression that I'd just found the old sliderule and was trying
to puzzle out what the less obvious scales computed... little did she
know that I'd found the abacus instead, and was taking baby steps
towards applied plumbing.

Whoops! I should've warned you about nonlinearities, although if you've ever seen a sliderule, you probably saw this one coming: I preemptively forfeit my chance to bid upon the chalice of history in deferrence of the claim made by that greatest of liars (save only Baudolino): the historian formally attributed as `Harq al-Ada'.


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